Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in freekboyg's LiveJournal:

Saturday, January 10th, 2004
10:59 pm	*SMACK* Once again… just when I thought things were looking up *SMACK* psych… I have not heard from the future employer, I have not received a plane ticket to fly to Texas to interview for that job (I was supposed to leave tomorrow), I have completely run out of money, I am out of cigarettes, I am completely out of food, my eBay auctions have not been bid on & I think my ferret is dying. I’m not even sure what to say after that. I guess whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? (111 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 7th, 2004
8:24 am	TX here I come.... It seems this Dallas, TX thing is moving full steam ahead. They are flying me out there for the interview & stuff starting on the 11th, then I come back on the 14th. They said they need me to start out there on the 24th. Which doesn’t leave me much time. I have so many bills here that I need to take care of. I don’t want to leave my roomies hanging. I still have that dilapidated ’84 Chrysler Laser sitting in the driveway, it was my mom’s car, but it hasn’t been moved in years. I guess I can try to donate it or something. Hopefully my eBay auction will nab me some fat cash. I think I’ll put up a few more things on eBay today. I still have a few toys here that I can sell off & some more miscellaneous video game memorabilia. I can take the pictures with out too much hassle, it’s just writing the description that’s a pain in my ass. I think I finally got my sleeping pattern back to something resembling normalcy. I woke up at 7am to day. I need to make some phone calls regarding the bills & go out & do laundry at some point today. I need to call an old friend of my mom’s & ask them to take my ferret, Cuervo. I’m really sad about that. He’s my little friend & has been for so long. I worry about him. He’s so very old for a ferret, about 9 or 10 years. Poor little guy. He’s lost most of his fur. My stinky little bald guy. He is such a sweet ferret though, always gives kisses, never ever bites. It’s probably better for him though. I want him to be taken care of & since I don’t know what’s in store for me yet I don’t want any doubt that he’ll be okay. I wish I could say I wasn’t scared of the change that will be sweeping me away. I am, but it’s something I’ve been needing for a long time. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 5th, 2004
2:07 am	something new Okay… so maybe this time I actually have something slightly interesting to say. I’ve met a nice woman in TX that’s going to help me. I think I may actually be moving out there. She says she has a job lined up for me. Nothing too special, a retail management position in a small business that she’s part owner of. A video game & toy store from her description. I can do that shit with my eyes closed. More than anything though, I just want to be someplace else. I’ve lived in CA all of my life & desperately want a change. There’s nothing keeping me here anymore. I don’t feel that I am growing as a person. I feel stagnant & stale. Too much of the same shit all the fucking time. I never thought I’d ever end up in TX… that’s gonna be a little strange. I know the heat is gonna fucking kill me. I wilt when it gets over 80°, guess I’ll spend most of my time hanging next to the AC unit (nothing new there). Of course I’ll miss my local friends, but I guess there’s always the phone & internet. I certainly don’t hang with too many people in person anymore. It’s all about the lack of wheels thing. I’m stranded. I better get my license back for I head to TX, I would imagine that getting around in the biggest State in the US to be troublesome on public transit to say the least. I finally took a look at my over due bills for last month. Eeeeegh… fuck me in the goat ass. The fucking telephone bill is over $400. How the fuck did that happen? I never use the god damn thing. It seems there several calls to the UK back in late Oct & early Nov. It wasn’t me, now I have to deal with disputing it with the phone company. I tried to deal with it on Friday, but I was on hold for so long & I was already tired I just said “fuck it”. So I tried calling again on Saturday, same old shit on hold for hours, finally got through… they tell me to call back during “normal” business hours on Monday. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I did however strip the phone of all the service I never use. The only reason I even have a land line anymore is for the DSL. Speaking of DSL, if I don’t pay the bill by Tuesday ..>click<.. gets turned off. Gotta take care of that pretty fucking fast. The roomies have their rent & bill money on time, but strangely I don’t. Hmmmmm, must be the fact I can’t find a job. I did however finally put my toy collection up on eBay. http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3168112554 (buy me buy me) So anyways... I guess I’ll wrap this up by saying. I have a mad crush on Miss_E. >bites lip (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 1st, 2004
11:16 pm	so this is the New Year? I think it’s time to post another boring journal. Let’s see… what has happened since the last time. Umm… oh yeah, NOTHING. I’ve been spending a lot of time chatting on www.spookyhotties.com (kinda like a gothic Hot or Not). I’ve have a picture posted up there & unbelievably I actually made the Top 10 Spooky Boys list. Maybe I’m not so hideous after all, but I guess it depends on what ya like. I’ve met loads of really cool people. A lot of really cute girls too, to bad they’re scattered all over the country & in the UK. Oh well, doesn’t matter anyway. I need to get my ass in gear & start selling shit. I need cash & I need to lighten the load considerably if I wanna move out of this shit hole. The job hunt is still unsuccessful. I did my telephone interview with the EDD, now they need to talk to my former employer & get their story on the deal. If I’m lucky, which hasn’t been the case lately, I’ll get my unemployment benefits. It’s not going to completely save my ass, but it’ll sure help. My cash situation is getting really scary. I haven’t paid any bills for December & of course rent is due. Last night for New Years I got a 2 liter of Coke & polished off my bottle of rum. I was hanging with Captain Morgan on the good ship Spiced Rum from about 9pm til 7am. Got a little drunk, not too bad though. Luckily I didn’t get a hang over or get sick. (unlike one of my friends, Jennifer, lol… repeat >BAAAAAAAARRRFFFF< 3 or 4 times, then pass out on keyboard). (Comment on this)
Monday, December 29th, 2003
6:46 pm	exit stage left I guess it’s time to post something new… I’ve been getting complaints from my fans telling me that they’re tired of reading the old entries. Whatever makes the fans happy… So anyway, nothing new has happened. Not really anyway. I’m still unemployed, still broke, still single, still on my way to being destitute. I have decided to sell everything I have of value & move someplace else. I’m totally sick of California. There’s nothing holding me here anymore. The stupid material possessions I have mean nothing to me anymore. They are just meaningless reminders of a past childhood, long since gone. They are also weighting me down & keeping me here. I just want to get away. Away from the bitter memories of my past failures. I’m not going to find a job here. I’m certainly not meeting any women here either. So fuck it… (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 28th, 2003
12:42 am	failure So much for Chanel. I have failed yet again. I am once again the cause of my own misery. I would be lying if I were to say I was not hurt but this experience, but with each hurt I gain a little something. What that “something” is I do not yet know. How many times in a row does this have to happen? I can remember a time in my life where I did all the dumping. lol… Maybe it’s pay back. What has changed in me? What have I become? Reminds me of one of my favorite songs. I smashed myself to pieces I am gonna fuck myself up I'm sifting through the ashes Oh what I have become I gave myself away now I'm nothing I let it slip away now I'm nothing All that I can do is break myself in two I fucked it all away now I'm nothing Wave wave wave wave goodbye Wave wave wave wave goodbye I look to others in the hopes of finding something inside of myself. Something I cannot find. Alone I must go, I journey into the darkness. What I will find there I do not know. I am frightened of what I may find. Who is the person I will become? Will I be strong enough to make the journey? I certainly have a perilous journey ahead of me. I have no job, no car, no family, few friends, no money & a long way to go. I have to ask myself if it’s worth the trouble. Maybe I should give up, finally kill myself. I’ve been talking about it for so fucking long. Maybe I can redeem myself by finally doing what I had always said I was going to do. Perhaps I am blind & do not see the beauty that is in the world. All I can see is shit, piles of it for miles & miles. I look behind me & see a steady unending steam of failures, one after another. It leads right up to my heels. Can I change it? Or will I just fail again? I am so filling with grief. I feel so utterly alone. I can understand why my father didn’t want to be there. He must have seen in me something so pathetic & worthless, it wasn’t even worth his time. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 27th, 2003
9:19 pm	boredom (again) Oh the severe boredom of it all. I’m trying to figure out why I even bothered getting out of bed today. I need to do something. I want to go somewhere. That’s not going to happen though, I’m broke. I was hunting the job listings online again. I sent my resume out to a few of them. I posted it somewhere else as well. I still haven’t seen Chanel around. I did call her today & left a voice mail. Hmmmmm… starting to wonder about her. She’s probably not interested. She’s just being nice to me or something. I can never quite tell. Maybe I’ll just go back to bed. Stupid fucking holidays… (Comment on this)
Friday, December 26th, 2003
5:45 pm	a little grim Definitely starting to look a little grim. I checked my bank account today. I have a nice balance of $144.00. After that, that’s it, that’s all she wrote. No more money coming in. I guess I’ll put up my toy collection on eBay tonight. That might nab me about $1000 I think, if I’m lucky, which I haven’t been lately. I’m out of cigarettes… I think I have about $5 in my pocket. I hope so. I’ve never tried quitting smoking before. I can’t imagine that’ll be a pleasant experience. One of the roomies left the front door wide open today. >rolls his eyes< Like any of us have cash to warm up the outside with our pathetic little gas wall furnace. It barely heats up the hallway it’s in. I didn’t see Chanel online last night. Kinda bummed about that. I think she was busy hanging with her brother. I should call her & see what’s up. Been chatting with a few very cute, very young (18-23) women online. That always makes me happy. I am such a flirt. lol… I’d rather talk to Chanel in all honesty. She’s my age & we have much more in common. I know my priorities are whacked. I spend too much time chasing chicks instead of finding work. I have been looking at the latest employment listings on craigslist & monster, I’m just not seeing anything that I’m qualified for. I should probably do what most people do & just bullshit myself into a job & then figure it out while I’m there. Not really my style though. I’m too fucking honest. Okay, well… I guess I’ll take a shower & shave or something. Go get smokes, come home, make my beef flavored ramen dinner. (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 25th, 2003
6:51 pm	bizzare dreams So this is Christmas Day huh? I’m not impressed. Seems like all the other bleak & miserable days I’ve spent on this planet. Another day waiting for some word form a potential employer, another day wondering how I’m going to get by. Well, at least someone called to wish me a merry Xmas. That was nice at least. All in all I guess it’s not too bad. I’m not sick with the flu, I’m not dying from some horrible disease, I still have all my limbs & appendages. I guess I’m just lonely. I haven’t really eaten today. I mean I had some of the left over Chinese fast food from yesterday & I’ve been munching on my favorite food in the whole world, Cheez-Its (yum). Been drinking tea too. Certainly nothing special. No holiday feast by any means. I could probably go for a nice fat festive meal, but since this is all I’ve got, it’ll have to do. I don’t really have anything to say. Nothing new has happened. Maybe I’ll just go back to bed for a while. I’ve been sleeping A LOT. Been having bizarre dreams too. Yesterday I woke up after a little a nap, I had been having a pretty cool dream. It played out like the opening of a movie. It was a young girl, maybe about 17 or 18. She was climbing a mountain of ash & snow alone. Beyond the mountain there was a large menacing dilapidated castle. She was wearing these long tattered robes, underneath that was a belt with some pouches & hooks. Scattered all around her & slightly buried were all of these weapons. Broken swords, knives, bladed weapons, broken hand guns & shotgun, rifles. She was picking up whatever sharp useful things she could find. She would stop of examine any possibly useful gun. Making sure it was whole & unjammed. She was on her way to fight something. Some kind of great evil. That’s all I really remember. It was kinda cool none the less. Anyway… that’s enough of my ramble. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 24th, 2003
5:21 pm	merry fucking Xmas Oh boy!! It’s Xmas eve. I hope Santa brings me something good. Like a nice juicy contract with some big game developer or a fat wad of cash so I can pay my bills & rent or maybe the girl of my dreams or maybe even a shotgun so I can blow my brains out… lol yeah right. I’d be lucky to get a stocking full of coal (at least I could sell it or something). I already know what I’m getting for Xmas… a big fat NOTHING. It must be what I deserve. So anyway, I have decided not to do anything tonight, not to go anywhere. I wouldn’t make very good company right now anyway. I’m not exactly what I would call jovial or festive. I’ll sit alone here in my dark little house. Hopefully I can be somewhat creative tonight, I’ll try to work on Chanel’s tattoo design some more. Hopefully she’ll be online later. She always cheers me up a bit. I did get an email from a recruiter from Ubi Soft in Canada. He saw my resume online. I have it posted in several places, including www.monster.com , www.gamasutra.com & www.craigslist.org . Maybe something good will come from that. We shall see. Things are looking pretty grim at this point. My money is running out fast. Phone bill is due, PG&E is due, DSL is due, my storage space is over due, rent is coming up. I’m scared shitless. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to borrow money from anyone, but I may have to. I don’t want to live on the street. I don’t want to lose everything, not that I really have much to lose. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Whine, whine, whine, Me, me, me. I’m going to shut the fuck up now, because even I’m tired of hearing it. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
7:38 pm	patience My lower back hurts today. Like a muscle cramp type of pain. Kind of annoying. I just got back in from eating dinner over at my friend Ed’s place. Ed was nice enough to help me get out so I could go pick up some ferret food for my little old man weasel , Cuervo (my pet ferret & only son). Ed has been a close friend for years. One of my few male friends. He’s kind of an asshole sometimes (something he freely admits), but I love him dearly, he’s been there for me on many an occasion. I had tried several times last night to post something in my journal, but I didn’t really know what I wanted to talk about. Actually, I’m not all the sure tonight what I wasn’t to say. I did want to mention that misunderstanding I had with Chanel the other night. The computer she was using was being winky on her. Which is why she disappeared all of a sudden. Her & I have talked since then. I do enjoy talking to her. I can only hope she gets past the fear she has. I want to get closer to her. I hope that someday, someday soon, she can see that I won’t hurt her. I think we want the same thing. Someone we can totally trust, without the bothersome worry of bullshit like cheating & lying. I am her friend now & will always be, even if she decides to take me as a lover or not. Friendship is the strongest foundation any sort of relationship can have. Time will tell, I have patience. Somethings are worth waiting for. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 21st, 2003
6:19 pm	confusion I don’t get it. I don’t understand women sometimes. They want everything & they want nothing. One would think that after 34 years I might have a fairly good grasp on it, but nope, I’m still confused. We were having a little chat on Yahoo, she asked what I was doing, I said “smoking”, “chatting with a girl in SF that I have a huge crush on” (talking about her of course), “looking for a job online”. To that she said “ok… see ya…”. WTF? I don’t get it. They want honesty & I give it, but it’s like they don’t want MY honesty. I have a friend that goes through chicks like there’s no tomorrow. The girls fucking love him. He’s a full on “playa”. They just eat that shit up. Me… I’m nice, honest & I can’t seem to keep one interested for more than a week. I swear, if it was in my personality to be a fucking jerk I would get chicks falling to me feet left & right. I really wish I didn’t care, but I do. I wish I didn’t feel so isolated & alone, but I do. I wish I wasn’t me, but I am. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 20th, 2003
7:20 pm	for starters.... I'll just copy all my journal posts from www.myspace.com just to get it rolling. Saturday, December 20, 2003 the pain... Uh boy… I am currently in such an amazing world of pain. My stomach hates me & it’s letting me know in uncommonly nasty terms. I’m pretty sure I suffer from what is called IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). It hasn’t been diagnosed as such, but Chanel has IBS & has told me off her discomfort & I have read some stuff on IBS & have to say… that it sounds just like me! It’s a real pleasant condition (sarcasm). I woke up about an hour ago, I slept kinda late because I was up until about 6am trying to be artistically creative. I’m starving, but I don’t really want to move. Most of the time when it hurts like this it usually passes after a while, but for some reason I don’t think this time it’s going to pass. If it’s going to kill me… I really wish it would get it over with. This really fuckin’ sucks. Maybe if I can manage to get dressed I can stumble a few blocks to get food & some chamomile tea, it’ll make the pain go away, hopefully. It must be a combination of depression, stress, hunger & chemical indulgence from Wednesday that’s causing me so much grief now. I need to take better care of myself. I’m not young anymore, my body obviously cannot process the same crap it used to. I did so much, for so long. In my years from about 18 to 21, I was living so fast & so high that I didn’t think I’d make it to 23. Well, I made it past 23 & still continued to destroy myself with chemicals & alcohol for another 8 or 9 years. There must be some serious damage internally. My liver is probably shot. If I was still employed & had medical insurance I’d go get stuff checked out, but in my current situation that is no longer an option. I dug my grave, now I must lie in it. Now I need someone on the surface to cover my rotting flesh with the soil I displaced. I’m tired, I long for the blackness, the cold quiet solitude of nothingness. No more pain, no more loneliness. 05:47 PM - 0 Comment - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Friday, December 19, 2003 nonsense, rants & ramblings... I finally got some sleep, but now I’m in the depression phase of the after effects of the party favors. I was already depressed, but now it’s much worse. My back still hurts, my stomach is iffy at best, I’m hungry, but there’s nothing here to eat (seriously, I haven’t been to the grocery store in months). I’m quickly running out of money & with the holidays just around the corner it’s starting to look rather bleak. I feel so hopeless. I hate it, I hate the empty feeling, the loneliness. I wish I had some family to fall back on. I just feel so alone sometimes. I mean, honestly I couldn’t care any less about x-mas. I’m not a Christian, not religious in anyway, but most people are with their families during this time of year. That’s something I’d like to have right now. I finally called & canceled my flight to Missouri. Which I had set up about a month ago, so I could go visit with the girl I was seeing out there, at least until she totally fucked me over. In mentioning this I am not pining about the girl that got away. It was what she stood for at the time that I will miss. She had made a lot of promises, which she ended up breaking. She had said a lot of things that sounded so wonderful to me (in retrospect, too good to be true of course). She had even asked me to marry her (lol, what a fucking joke). It was all so very enticing & alluring, I was completely enchanted. I would have had an extended family through her. I would have had someone that loved me, wanted to spend the rest of their life with me & gave me a reason to continue on with this constant struggle we call life. Now I don’t get that. I get nothing, which I guess is what I deserve. The plane ticket of course was non-refundable, non-transferable so I’m totally fucked out of $400 that I really could use right now. I know why I fail. I know I am wrong to look to others for a reason to want to live my life. The problem lies with in me & that is why I fail. Maybe if I liked myself more, maybe if I had that so called “self love”, others would love me too. They say you cannot truly love someone unless you love yourself. If that’s the case… I will never be able to love anyone. All I have is a constant self loathing. It’s no wonder I can’t find a woman that will stick around. I mean, if I had a choice… I sure wouldn’t want to be want to be in my company. lol… I’m a whiny mutherfucker, or at least it seems that way when I read back through some of these journals entries. I’ve never kept a journal like this before. Never felt the need to, but as of late it’s been the only place I can speak of the nonsense, rants & ramblings that go though my mind on a regular basis. I don’t really care that these writings are in public view. I have nothing to hide. I think you get a pretty good idea of what type of person I am from reading them, or maybe you’d get the completely wrong impression about me, I don’t know. I don’t care, doesn’t matter anyway. I can hear the pitter patter of the rain outside my window. It makes me smile, it also makes me think of last weekend & my time with Chanel. There was an awesome storm happening outside her window during some of the intimate moments. Mmmmmm, so romantic…. >sigh< I love the rain. I love gray overcast skies. I need to move to Seattle or something. Okay… the hunger pains are becoming annoying. I need to go out & get something. I’m not in the mood for ramen noodles again. Just the mere thought of eating them one more time makes me nauseous. 04:53 PM - 0 Comment - Add Comment - Edit - Remove toasty... Someone smother me in some butter & jam….. ‘cause I am toast. Seriously, I am so fried right now. Ugh…that’s the last time I let anyone talk me into getting high. Fuck… I am so way past all that shit now. I feel like crap. I am definitely getting old. My body just doesn’t process that stuff anymore. I really really want to go to sleep. However, having the experience that I have in such things I know it’s not going to happen yet. So I guess I get to just feel like crap for a while instead. My back hurts, my stomach hurts (which of course is not uncommon for me) & I think I’m getting a nice head ache to go with it all. Oh well, if you’re going to play, you must pay. My situation is getting more grim every second. I went to the mall yesterday to pick up applications from a few places. Man, talk about humiliating, asking the kids behind the register if I can get an application. It’s hopeless. I’m doomed. It’s too close to x-mas, no one is hiring & even if I did manage to land a job at one of these stupid retail gigs, I wouldn’t be making enough to pay my bills. I was just barely making enough at Capcom to survive. Living from check to check, just scraping by. A minimum wage job just isn’t going to do it. Not having a car is going to seriously cripple my chances of finding anything relatively decent. No one is hiring until the first of the year. I don’t know what I’m going to do. The loneliness I feel doesn’t help either. I hate the holidays. 02:56 AM - 0 Comment - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Wednesday, December 17, 2003 bad tummy... Oi… I already know to my stomach will be the death of me someday & man oh man… it was letting me know today. Ugh… today was a bad tummy day for sure. I did the lunch thing in Mtn. View with the woman from www.gothicmatch.com, Stephanie. It was nice. She seems pretty cool. Honestly I’ll a lot more interested in Chanel at the moment. I think me & her have a bit more in common, but it was pleasant anyway. Stephanie is a Navy girl, has some serious years under her belt. Has a home that she owns & is a few years away from retiring from Navy. Not sure why she wants to hang with me, I sure don’t have anything going for me. From my point of view I’m a big time loser. She invited me to go out with her this Friday to go see Gene Loves Jezebel. That might be interesting, I have seen them a few times before, but I am so very fucking broke at the moment. I’d just feel like a dirt bag if she had to pay for everything. Before & after lunch my stomach was fucking killing me. I know it wasn’t the food I ate for lunch. I had to come home & lay down for a little while. I just got up again. I need to go back out & hit the mall to look for instant work. Okay… gonna do that now. 05:00 PM - 0 Comment - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Tuesday, December 16, 2003 maybe not... Okay… maybe she didn’t dump me. Not really sure where we stand yet. She keeps coming back wanting to talk to me. She considers me a friend first. Which of course is nice. I know her ex-BF is being a huge pain in her ass right now. That guy has really got to get a clue. It’s affecting me & her, which is seriously pissing me off. He’s about 10 years her junior & obviously had more than a few problems. I don’t claim to not have issues of my own, but I certainly wouldn’t be causing any of my ex’s grief like this. Me & her have soooooooo much in common. All I can do is wait patiently while she makes the right choice for herself & hope that I am part of her choice. Either way, I’ll still have her as a friend. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want more than that, but she must do what is best for her. I don’t think I would be a bad choice. I have a lot to give. I’m not talking of material things either. I’m pretty worthless in that respect. I have no money, no car, (currently) no job, but all of that will change eventually. I’m a caring, honest, compassionate (but still have a serious hate of humanity), loving, giving person. We’ll see what happens. On another note, some girl from gothicmatch.com wants to take me out to lunch tomorrow. I’m not interested in anyone but Chanel at the moment, but free food sounds damn good. As long as this girl doesn’t expect anything but pleasant conversation it should be okay. I still have more than a few online personal ads floating around. Most of which I just keep around to stroke my ego, just to see if anyone wants me. I have no problem taking them down if something works out with Chanel. Until she figures out what she wants I’ll keep them out there. 09:31 PM - 0 Comment - Add Comment - Edit - Remove again... Do I have like the plague or something? Can someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with me? I was just dumped again. In a nice way mind you. I got the usual “I’d still like to be your friend” routine, but this is really getting fucking old. All I want is someone that can be my everything. Am I asking for too much? She told me that she needs time, time to think, time alone. I wasn’t putting any pressure on her or anything like that. I just enjoyed spending time with her. She said it was because of her ex-BF & all the drama he’s causing. She said she didn’t want to put me through that. In the end it just feels like I’m doing something wrong, like there’s something wrong with me. I just want to wake up next to someone. I want the silly things, like soft kisses, hand holding, cuddling up & falling asleep with someone in my arms. I’ll give her time. Maybe she’ll come around, I don’t know. All I know is I’m lonely. I feel like I have nothing left. I’m not sure just how much more of this I can take. I’m definitely slipping in to a depression. I need to find motivation somehow. I don’t know what to do. It feels like I have no one to talk to. So instead I post these stupid journals. Scratching the voiceless words into the rock face, on the wall in a dark cave for someone to discover. Maybe someone will understand, maybe someone will care. I doubt it. Why would anyone care about me if I don’t care about myself. 04:31 PM - 0 Comment - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Monday, December 15, 2003 uh oh... I can feel myself slipping. I think I’m heading towards a depression. Not a good thing. Too much thinking & not enough doing. Well, at least I filed for unemployment. The EDD has a nice convenient online form you can fill out, so I didn’t even have to leave the house. I ate today, it was only a can of soup, but it was something. I also forgot I had dried banana chips up in the cabinet, so I have something healthy to munch on. I need to take a shower & shave, but all I want to do is crawl back into bed, close my eyes & make the bad bad world go away. Actually, I think I’ll do just that. Crawl back into bed & wait for the girl to call. I sure do like her. 01:06 PM - 0 Comment - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Sunday, December 14, 2003 Mmmmmm, yummy... Mmmmmmmm… that was so nice. I had a lot of fun on Saturday. I left the ol homestead around 9:30am, took the 180 to Fremont BART & took a train to SF. Hung out with the girl all day, all night. We watched a few movies, did a lot of talking & a few “other” things. I have a nice content happy feeling. It’s nice to feel wanted even though I’m such a jobless loser right now. Unfortunately I had to leave in kind of a hurry on Sunday morning. Her ex-BF wanted to come by & pick up some of his shit (can we say “DRAMA” boys & girls). I wanted to stay longer, I know she wanted me to stay longer, but we both knew we should avoid the potential heavy drama of me being there we he showed up. On Saturday when we were walking to Safeway to pick up some stuff for dinner we sort of accidentally ran in to him. Nothing major, but I could tell he was some what urked to see her with another man. Hopefully it’ll drive home that fact that he needs to move on, it’s been about 5 months after all. Grow up… move on little boy. I freely admit that I’m not perfect, but I do know how to treat a woman. By that I’m not trying to make myself sound like I’m adhering to some bullshit macho standard or live up to some cliché old fashioned chivalry, ‘cause I’m not. I treat people with respect. That’s just the way it is for me. She’s a very nice person, very real. After I had to leave so abruptly she kept on apologizing to me for it. Telling me I deserve better than that. That’s very thoughtful, but I’m a big boy & can make my own decisions & deal with what ever consequences that comes from that if there are any. I was there because I wanted to be. I wasn’t looking for a piece of ass or a quick fuck. That’s not where I am in my life. Been there, done that. I want something more. I want a nice solid relationship, something long term. I like her a lot. It’s kinda nice being with someone in my own age group (I’m only 19 days older than her), someone that’s done all the stupid shit already, gotten it out of the way, grown up. Hopefully I’ll get to see her again next weekend or something. I miss her already. I think I’m having a hard crush. Perhaps it can be something more given time. I’d like that. I think I need it. 07:52 PM - 0 Comment - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Friday, December 12, 2003 motivation... Well, my 34th birthday has come & gone. I’m not longer in my early 30’s, I’ve officially hit the mid 30’s. I was taken out to lunch yesterday by some friends from my former workplace. That was nice. Then I had to box up the rest of my crap from the office & get it home. Man…I have to say, I sure have a lot of crap. Brought home about 20 large boxes. I have clue where the hell I’m going to put it all. I need to get my ass in gear & go to the EDD, file for unemployment. I haven’t been very motivated though. Sucks, I really need to be. I need to go out & wash some clothes for tomorrow. This new girl I’ve been talking to is cool. I like her a lot. I’m supposed to head up to SF & hang with her tomorrow. I’m looking forward to that. I drank myself silly last night in a big way. Not really a big drinker, never cared for the effects too much. Last night was cool though. I just drank Captain Morgan & Coke while chatting with Chanel. She was making me feel pretty about myself. lol She made me do silly things like remove clothing. God damn… I’m such a dork sometimes. lol But it was fun, so I guess it’s all good. Okay…. Motivation, need motivation. Need to wash clothes, needs cigarettes, need food. 02:38 PM - 0 Comment - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Wednesday, December 10, 2003 some nerve... So I'm sitting here at home having a nice little IM conversation with a new girl & guess who decides to fucking instant message me. The lying, cheating, knocked up bitch from MO. The first thing she says, "I miss you". >rolls his eyes< She should have thought about that before she banged the other guy & got into the situation she's in. I had offered myself to her completely. I had offered, even after I had found out what she had done, to still take care of her & her son as well as the new child she's currently pregnant with. I had told her that I still loved her regardless, but she wasn't interested in anything I had to say. So I told her to have a nice life & had said my goodbye. She had made her choice & I wasn't going to play these little bi-polar games with her anymore. So when she contacted me today I told her to fuck off. Am I wrong for doing so? I am the bad guy? Perhaps I do still have deep feelings for her, but I an no longer in a position to help anybody. It is because of her that I am penniless, jobless & soon to be homeless. I need to concentrate on myself right now. I need to find employment toot sweet before I end up on the street. On a lighter note, some friends from my former work place want to take me to a birthday lunch. Which is nice. I'm glad someone still likes me. I'm not a bad person. I just end up with shit girlfriends most of the time. I can only hope this new girl I've been talking to online will pan out. She's my age & we seem to have a lot in common. I just need to see what she looks like. As shallow as it may be, I think physical attraction is very important. I'm supposed to call her in about 20 minutes. This will be our first voice conversation. Wish me luck, I need all I can get at this point. 08:41 PM - 2 Comments - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Tuesday, December 09, 2003 fucking lovely... I should have know it wouldn't last. The second I thought things were looking up.... BOOM! They got worse. It couldn't have come at a better time (sarcasm). I just lost the woman I delusionally thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, there's a realtor's sign on my front lawn & people stopping by to look at the home, I just today lost my full time employment of 5 years & my 34th birthday is on Thursday. I'm fucked. Fucked fucked fucked. In so many ways. 07:49 PM - 0 Comment - Add Comment - Edit - Remove not so gloomy doomy... I forgot to set my alarm clock last night, I overslept & was kind of late for work. Aside from that I'm feeling a little bit better about myself today. I've met a few nice people that have brought my spirits up considerably. I was talking to my new friend last night until about 12:30am & after that I had some difficulty getting to sleep because I was actually in a good mood. It does suck that I now have to be at the office so late (I really hate this place), but at least I have something to look forward to. So I guess it's not so bad. One of my close friends said that bad things always come in threes, I'm quite sure it's just a superstition & old wives tale, as well as a random coincidence. However, if bad things always do come in threes, then I am well after my third bad experience in a row & I only have good things to look forward to. Which would be a nice change of pace. It’s hopeful thinking I’m sure, but I’m doing my best to be optimistic. I’m tired of being lonely all the time. I need that to change. 01:43 PM - 0 Comment - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Monday, December 08, 2003 anger management... I’m having difficulty today coping with my anger about my recent situation with the trollop from Missouri. I’m angry with myself for once again putting myself in a position to get hurt. Why do I keep doing it? I’m like a child that you tell not to touch the stove because it’s hot & they will get burned, but I keep on touching it… over & over. Burning myself repeatedly & never learning anything from it. I admit that she broke my black little heart. I should be used to it by now. I give too much & never get even a portion of it back. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the uncaring unfeeling chemical haze I spent many years in. Back then stuff like this didn’t matter. I am & always will be "damaged goods" 09:17 AM - 0 Comment - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Sunday, December 07, 2003 my old friend misery... Well, so much for that relationship. Not only did she lie, but she cheated too (& got knocked up in the process). Seems like old times as painful flashbacks from my former marriage pass before my eyes. She did exactly what she said she would never do. I was completely honest & straight with her the whole time & she played me for a fool. My friends were right. I was blinded by the little hearts floating in my eyes. Sometimes I really wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. I fall for it every fucking time, hook, line & sinker. “Oh Gene, I love you”. Such bullshit. One would think that I would learn my lesson... Apparently not. I'll give someone hard cash to just put me out of my misery. Trust me, you'd be doing me & everyone else a huge favor. Kinda like putting down a lame horse. 05:28 PM - 0 Comment - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Current Mood: crappy Current Music: Metallica-Fade to Black (8 Comments |Comment on this)